Catching up

Well I haven't posted since November which is what chemo will do to you. Let's see if I can catch you up quickly. I had 3 Taxol treatments which didn't make me nauseous but did cause bone pain which was no fun. Plus it turns out I can't handle narcotics very well so the pain meds made me sick. The doctor finally gave me a child's dose of pain meds and everything was better. So Kyle and I went in the week of Christmas for my last chemo ever and because of some side effects in my hands & feet we all decided to cancel the last treatment. Taxol can cause permanent nerve damage in your extremities and I was having numbness in my feet and also dropping things like my toothbrush, soap, etc. So the choice was to have the last Taxol and risk not having feeling in my fingers & toes for the rest of my life or not do the last treatment and hope all the cancer cells were obliterated by my 7 other chemo treatments.. Luckily for me my tumors responded so well to chemo that this was an easy decision for the doctor and Kyle and I agreed. I need my hands!

Kyle and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary (well if you count me making meatloaf at home & us giving the kids a bath as celebrating which we do). Gives the whole "In sickness and in health" vow new meaning this year...

My surgeries have been scheduled for January 25th which is great and terrifying all at the same time. It's 6 1/2 hours of surgery with three surgeons...nuts. But once it's over and I am recovered it's one more step through this cancer process. There will be some joy in knowing that by the afternoon of January 25th I will be "Cancer Free" for the first time in a long time. Some people celebrate that day for years so come. I am not sure how I feel about that but I will let you know when I get there.

So for now I have time when I am feeling better than I have in awhile to continue building up my strength, play with my family,sleep, go see Liza Minelli in concert (my anniversary gift from Kyle and even better he is going with me even though I am pretty sure he would rather cut off his arm! Love that man...he gets me), and try to see some friends who have been so good to us during this process. Here is to a month of living and not dwelling on the surgery or the aftermath.

Last Week...

It's been quite the week for me...I did get to experience the Taxol bone pain and it was no fun. Pain is not cool...and when I finally figured out the pills to take to make it a little better they knocked me out and then made me sick to my stomach. So much for Taxol being an "easy" chemo. I guess when it comes right down to it poison is still poison! But it seems like it should be a little easier than this. Combine that with me falling down a few stairs at our house (which ironically made me feel sore again!) and you have my week in a nutshell. The good news is mom is arriving here in moments for TWO WEEKS...I can't wait and the neither can the rest of my family.

Here's to having someone else there to help with everything but more importantly to take our minds off what we are going through right now. 

Taxol

Well yesterday was Chemo #5 and my first Taxol treatment. I have one observation...I do not do well on that much Benadryl! They give you a bag of benadryl dripped into your system before they start the Taxol to help alleviate any weird allergic reactions. But that much Benadryl made me feel like I had just consumed a half bottle of tequila. I seriously almost fell over trying to stand up! So that combined with 3 hours of weird meds being dripped into your body made for a long, tiring day. I also learned I shouldn't be allowed to cook dinner after Taxol treatments. I tried to cook three simple things for dinner rice, green beans, chicken tenders...and ruined all of them. Kyle and I ate the chicken but it wasn't very good at all. So from now on no cooking after these meds! So far mytaste buds have gone wacky again and I have had a little bit of numbness coming & going in my hands but no bone aches yet so that's good.

Now if only I can get some sleep tonight since they make you take 10 steroid pills in 12 hours before this type of chemo I was WIDE awake last night and I am paying for it today.

Halfway done with Chemo...

So yesterday I had my last A/C chemo. It's wasn't a fun day...let's just say they were WAY behind and I went in at 10:30am and we left at 4. But I got the last of that treatment and I couldn't be happier. I know Taxol has it's own brand of fun side effects but I say bring them on!

 So my counts are still pretty low (which is to be expected when they are pumping you full of poison) so the possibility of a bad infect in the next 2 weeks is ever-present but you can't live waiting to feel bad so today I feel pretty good and I am rolling with it. If only I could have a long nap all would be perfect. What I am really hoping for (although I know it's a lot to ask) is that the delayed nausea I usually experience stays mild or doesn't show up on it's normal day since Friday (when it would start to appear) is Charley's 1st birthday. I already decided not to go with a party since she doesn't care and it's too much to pull off right now but I still want to be feeling well so I can see her open a few little presents, make her some beautiful cupcakes (I have decided to make her the jumbo cupcakes in my homemade white almond cake with homemade pink butter cream frosting & sprinkles-classic yet beautiful), and watch her smash that cupcake to bits! Plus it's Halloween this weekend and Truman is very excited about it this year. I am not sure he really understands but the kids will flip out when he realizes candy is involved!

Speaking of sweets yesterday Kyle wanted the traditional post-chemo cupcake too so last night he had the Strawberry cupcake with the strawberry cream cheese icing & I had the "Happy Birthday to Me" white cake butter cream icing. Then for tonight I have "Cuckoo for Coconut"...very exciting!

Once again....

So sorry for the complete lack of posts again. I was once again taken down by this cold that has hung on now for over 2 weeks. It got really bad again with fever, cough, etc. and we tried a few medicines, had a chest ex-ray to rule out pneumonia (which it wasn't thank goodness) and basically had to just wait to get better. My doctor explained it like this...what is a simple cold in my kids with a runny nose and cough can turn into this horrible illness for me...and there is little you can try to do to stop it. I drink lots of fluids, wash my hands and use anti-bacterial wipes all day long and hope to pick up as few germs as possible!

So I am feeling better but have noticed things like I have no stamina all the sudden. For me it's a big deal to feed the kids & eat dinner with Kyle and then I have to sit down for awhile. It's really crazy as a person who had not had an issue with this before to have to realize you have limitations. But I also know when I push too much then I feel even worse so you have to listen to your body.

Monday is my last A/C chemo...not my last chemo ever because now I switch to Taxol for 4 more treatments but I am celebrating anyway. A/C chemo stinks....I am more than happy to know this will be the last time I have to feel these certain side effects! Now I know that Taxol is it's own bag of worms and we will deal with that when we get there but I will be one happy girl if I can ditch the delayed nausea after this last treatment. So funny to be excited going into what will probably be a yucky, hard treatment (effects of chemo build with each round so the 4th round of A/C traditionally is not a good one according to most people who have been through it) but I have learned to celebrate each milestone and this is one of them. Thank goodness I still have cupcake money left so it can be celebrated with CAKE!

Guess who can walk now?

So last night as Kyle and I were eating dinner Charley pulled herself up on Kyle's knees and then just let go & took 7 steps! I know I have one kid who has done this already but I tell you that moment is always amazing and I am so glad I was around to see it. Now since then she has pushed herself up, takes one step, falls over and then looks around like "How did I do that again?" but as all you parents know she will be moving at mock speed way too soon for my taste!

It's hard to believe she will be 1 in just a few weeks.

Chemo #3

My counts were high enough to have chemo yesterday. I was never so happy to hear that! Plus my tumors have shrunk even more than last time. It's really great that the medicine is working. Plus it makes the side effects and feeling horrible a little worth it if you know they are at least beating the tumors!! They did warn me that I have to be SUPER careful this time around to eat well, drink tons of fluids, wash hands, etc. because with my counts already low the chemo will make them lower and any little illness could really be a doozy this time. So you do your best and deal if that happens. They told us when this all began it would be unusual for someone to go through chemo without being in the hospital sometime so almost feel like you are waiting for it to happen while hoping it never does!

I had a late appointment yesterday so my friend Jennie took me to Chemo since Kyle and I didn't know if we would be done in time to make it to pick up the kids. We had a blast. It was good to catch up plus she brought me a slice of the most amazing white cake from Fresh Market. So this week is hopefully cancer as usual. It's like I was saying to dad I have had new side effects after each chemo so it's hard to anticipate how you are going to be feeling...you just wait and deal with whatever happens.

So today I am feeling good (if not just a little tired), grateful to only have one more of the AC Chemos left before switching to my next kind, and very happy for Jodi & Kirk who are closing on the new house this morning...I can't wait to visit the park house and hang out in Milwaukee!!!

What A Week...

Sorry to have been missing in action. I had a great first week after chemo and was feeling pretty good and then WHAM I got a really bad cold which took me down hard. I went in for blood work and my counts were "in the toilet" as the nurse put it. So I was in bad shape last week. I still have a nasty cough that won't go away but I am feeling better. Hopefully my counts are back up as I have Chemo #3 today and as much as I don't want chemo I want to stay on schedule.

The good news is that my sister Jodi was here all last week so she made me good food, nagged me to take my temperature and basically made me feel happy to have someone else around so I wasn't wallowing in my own yuchiness.

Also thanks for all the emails, phone calls, cards, etc. if I am not getting back to you fast enough it's because I have the energy of a sloth. Seriously I shower, get the kids dressed for school, make bottles, drop the kids off with Kyle and then sit down at my desk I just want to take a nap...you take these things for granted but I have had to give in and just rest. Sitting down is ok, letting Jodi clean my bathroom and do all my laundry was ok, not cooking every meal and letting people help is ok...

Things they don't tell you...

1. When your hair REALLY starts to fall out (as mine now has) it actually hurts. It's so weird but when laying on a pillow or resting your head or wearing a scarf there is pain.

2. A person can still not sleep even when on Ambien.

3. There is a level of tired past "new baby" tired. Even with a newborn you can still catch little naps, sleep when the baby sleeps, etc.

4. I will still take the tired and head pain over the nausea like last time.

Chemo #2

We had a great weekend at our house (no apple orchard I remembered I am not supposed to be in the sun that long due to chemo making you extremely photo sensitive) we decided to wait until a better time. I still have a bag of apples at home to make a pie and that's what's really most important...especially to my fruit pie loving husband!  It was very cool fall weather which I love...I love the football, chili, and most importantly sweaters!! Plus since I am now have either a hat or scarf on my head everyday hot weather makes that miserable!!!

My short hair is falling out in droves. Truman was rubbing my head yesterday and the hair was falling like snow and he said "Haircut out?"...so I tried to explain to him mommies hair was falling out but his haircut was NOT going to fall out. A pretty hard concept for a 2 year old to grasp...

Chemo #2 was pretty uneventful. My port had locked up but with some medicine they were able to fix that without much effort. The good news is after one treatment my tumors had noticeably shrunk and my blood counts looked great. So much so my oncologist gave me a hug which seemed a little weird. But I will take good news any day!

So today I am feeling good just tired as is to be expected. And in case you are keeping track of the cupcakes yesterday I got 2 (a person who can buy just one cupcake is stronger than I...). I ate the Red Velvet Elvis (their famous red velvet with chunks of chocolate frosted with cream cheese frosting and red sprinkles. It was lovely.

Today I have the second to eat here at work the cinnamon sugar. Yummy!

TGIF

Well what we were hoping would be a nice relaxing week at the Proctor house has been anything but relaxing. It's only Friday and I am already finding myself with a pit in my stomach thinking about having chemo again on Monday. I really am not looking forward to another week of feeling like I did last time! But we are supposed to have beautiful fall weather here in Indiana this weekend and I am determined to enjoy it with some shopping to make sure the kids & Kyle are all set for food & baby needs for next week, some good food (while I still have an appetite), lots of football and possibly our annual trip to Anderson Orchard. I can already taste the fried biscuits and their homemade apple butter. I love picking our own apples and coming home with a big bag perfect for some of my apple pie, apple crisp and my new recipe to try this year homemade crockpot cinnamon applesauce...I love fall.

You never know...

So we have had an interesting few days at our house. I will spare you all the long version but Charley has what would be a normal cold on any other child but since she had RSV as a wee baby the cold turns out to be a big deal for her and the Proctor's now own a breathing treatment machine for one Miss Charley Marie...breathing issues on babies are not funny stuff. I spent yesterday watching her breathing patterns like a hawk.

You never know how you will react to things even when you prepare yourself. Last night was haircut night at our house. Truman needed to be buzzed again and so did I. My hair was coming out in pieces and I had heard from others that if you let it get to the point where it comes out in clumps it's pretty traumatic. Truman who during his previous haircuts hadn't made a sound proceeded to FREAK OUT. Crying, screaming & flailing. Then it's my turn...I had been playing out this moment in my head for weeks now thinking how I would respond and when the cutting started...nothing happened. I didn't cry. Didn't even have to try not to cry. I guess I was just resigned and ready. So after worrying and thinking about this moment for weeks it was here and gone. One more step in this process we are going through.

The bonus of having no hair to "fix" in the morning is you have time for other things. I actually put on make-up which I rarely wear to work. So today I am rocking the buzz cut & a hat. The worst part of not having hair is that I am no longer anonymous. People on the street, daycare, the grocery can all look at me and know that I am "sick". When I was pregnant I noticed how many people stare at pregnant women and now I make a very conscious effort to NOT do that. Or to smile if I happen to catch their eye, as if to tell them I too have been when you are waddling instead of walking and you can make it through this. Now I join another group that people will look at...I know they can't help it but I am already longing for that anonymity.

I also received an automated message telling me of my time for chemo coming up on Monday and that automated voice made me burst in to tears. I knew I had chemo that day but having it actually scheduled and knowing low horrible I felt for almost an entire week last time made me completely break down. I know it's killing the bad cells inside of me and I know I need it and I know I would go to as many as I needed to beat this but I don't want to feel that sick again. But thanks to Stacy I have a gift certificate to The Flying Cupcake and you can be sure for this chemo I will celebrate my last day of feeling like eating with some yummy flavor of cake & frosting.

I have been belching since 1967...

Kyle and I have been trying so hard to remember all the funny bits of life that are happening while in the midst of the rest of this nonsense. He keeps saying if we don't write them down we will forget and he's right. While waiting for what felt like an eternity in the waiting room before my first chemo there was an older woman with someone (who I am going to assume was her son) talking about her symptoms and after much discussion between them she announced that she had been "belching since 1967..." Kyle and I couldn't stop grinning at each other.

Yesterday was not a good day...today I will go out on a limb and say I feel better. Here's hoping I have made it through the first round and I will only feel better from now on (until the next chemo but I can't even think about that now!). If that's true I will have next week to hopefully feel a little more human and deal with this whole "my hair probably won't be here more than a few more days thing". That day is coming very fast but that is a post for another time.

This is what makes a person feel better...

Chemo #1

Well Friday was chemo number #1 of 8. That's one down. I have decided the new tradition is to have one cupcake for each chemo. I didn't think about this in time for Chemo #1 and afterwards Kyle and I ran errands to prepare for the weekend (diapers, formula, Gatorade...we are living the high life!) and then I was too tired to make the cupcake run back to Mass Ave. But next time I am going prepared!

So Kyle and I went off for my first appointment. Accessing my port for the first time was probably the worst part. The surgery was so recent that it was still very sore but they told me that will be better by next time. I was worried I would be bored but between having to pee every three minutes because they kept pumping me full of fluids (oh and the 3 cups of Banana Nut coffee from my Patachou breakfast before chemo...) and having my own TV to watch the time didn't go that slowly. Kyle was all into one of his new books and was loving having the time to read (when he wasn't ready to thrash the lady behind us who was screaming into her cell phone for most of her chemo treatment). He was even considering renting himself out to people who were at chemo alone so they could look like they came with a friend and he could continue to read. After a brief lunch debacle...let's just chalk it up to Kyle not being the worlds best listener and the hospital cafeteria being one of the most unhealthy places to eat in Indy short of the State Fair...we made it through a bag of fluids, a steroid, 2 kinds of chemo and then we were on our way home.

READ BOOK!

Yesterday morning I was sitting with Truman who was reading a Dora book before we all left for the day. I read somewhere that even though you might think kids his age aren't processing everything going on they really are so you should try and have small conversations about things when appropriate. So I was trying to tell him in 2 year old terms that mommy was going to be sleepy and sore when he got home after school and I wouldn't be able to pick him up and he looked at me, paused for a second and then shouted "READ BOOK!" Leave it to him to keep things in perspective...

So everything went great yesterday. The port is in and I am not in that much pain thanks to some nice drugs. Evidently I woke up in the recovery room and told everyone the Muzak they were playing was horrible (now to be fair it was horrible...I mean all muzak versions of You Light Up My Life, Carnival of Venice, you get the picture) Also our favorite crack up of the day came when the nurse came in and told me I would have to give another urine sample because mine was "stuck". What? Apparently they have a tube system at this hospital (think like a drive-through bank but a little bigger) and just as she sent my sample to the lab the system went down and my pee was stuck somewhere in the hospital tubing system.

So tomorrow I have my echo to make sure my heart is fine and then "chemo school". Then Friday is my first of 8 chemo treatments. I think I am dreading this day most. I know it won't be horrible but to me it feels like the beginning of a ride I am still not sure I want to be on.

Let's start at the very beginning...

Welcome my new blog. I have decided that this is the best way to keep everyone who loves me up to date on my journey while not going nuts from telling the same stories over and over again. Plus I know for me even before I had the official "You have breast cancer" phone call I was desperately searching for blogs from young women with cancer to gain knowledge and also know that I was not in this alone. If I can be that for the next young girl diagnosed then this blog has already served its purpose.

The title is from this song by The Weepies. This thing so far has felt a little like I am not moving and everything around me is moving about 10 times faster than normal. Plus it's true...I am going through this but at the same time life is constantly rushing by...my kids are growing like weeds, one sister just moved, the other is moving in the next month, we have lost family we love, I still work, laundry is still not doing itself, etc.

So here are the facts to get everyone all caught up. I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (3 lumps to be exact) with Lymph Node involvement (which basically means it is in my lymph nodes). I have already had a bone scan and MRI and there is no cancer anywhere else in my body (that was about the only good phone call we have received during this whole crazy 3 weeks.)

Next week we are kicking in to high gear. I am having a port implanted on Tuesday, Thursday is an echo to make sure my heart is strong enough to make it through chemo, and Friday is my first chemo session. Kyle and I were talking about how it's good that things are moving forward but I would be lying if I didn't say I was already dreading next week.