You never know...

So we have had an interesting few days at our house. I will spare you all the long version but Charley has what would be a normal cold on any other child but since she had RSV as a wee baby the cold turns out to be a big deal for her and the Proctor's now own a breathing treatment machine for one Miss Charley Marie...breathing issues on babies are not funny stuff. I spent yesterday watching her breathing patterns like a hawk.

You never know how you will react to things even when you prepare yourself. Last night was haircut night at our house. Truman needed to be buzzed again and so did I. My hair was coming out in pieces and I had heard from others that if you let it get to the point where it comes out in clumps it's pretty traumatic. Truman who during his previous haircuts hadn't made a sound proceeded to FREAK OUT. Crying, screaming & flailing. Then it's my turn...I had been playing out this moment in my head for weeks now thinking how I would respond and when the cutting started...nothing happened. I didn't cry. Didn't even have to try not to cry. I guess I was just resigned and ready. So after worrying and thinking about this moment for weeks it was here and gone. One more step in this process we are going through.

The bonus of having no hair to "fix" in the morning is you have time for other things. I actually put on make-up which I rarely wear to work. So today I am rocking the buzz cut & a hat. The worst part of not having hair is that I am no longer anonymous. People on the street, daycare, the grocery can all look at me and know that I am "sick". When I was pregnant I noticed how many people stare at pregnant women and now I make a very conscious effort to NOT do that. Or to smile if I happen to catch their eye, as if to tell them I too have been when you are waddling instead of walking and you can make it through this. Now I join another group that people will look at...I know they can't help it but I am already longing for that anonymity.

I also received an automated message telling me of my time for chemo coming up on Monday and that automated voice made me burst in to tears. I knew I had chemo that day but having it actually scheduled and knowing low horrible I felt for almost an entire week last time made me completely break down. I know it's killing the bad cells inside of me and I know I need it and I know I would go to as many as I needed to beat this but I don't want to feel that sick again. But thanks to Stacy I have a gift certificate to The Flying Cupcake and you can be sure for this chemo I will celebrate my last day of feeling like eating with some yummy flavor of cake & frosting.