Things they don't tell you...

1. When your hair REALLY starts to fall out (as mine now has) it actually hurts. It's so weird but when laying on a pillow or resting your head or wearing a scarf there is pain.

2. A person can still not sleep even when on Ambien.

3. There is a level of tired past "new baby" tired. Even with a newborn you can still catch little naps, sleep when the baby sleeps, etc.

4. I will still take the tired and head pain over the nausea like last time.

Chemo #2

We had a great weekend at our house (no apple orchard I remembered I am not supposed to be in the sun that long due to chemo making you extremely photo sensitive) we decided to wait until a better time. I still have a bag of apples at home to make a pie and that's what's really most important...especially to my fruit pie loving husband!  It was very cool fall weather which I love...I love the football, chili, and most importantly sweaters!! Plus since I am now have either a hat or scarf on my head everyday hot weather makes that miserable!!!

My short hair is falling out in droves. Truman was rubbing my head yesterday and the hair was falling like snow and he said "Haircut out?"...so I tried to explain to him mommies hair was falling out but his haircut was NOT going to fall out. A pretty hard concept for a 2 year old to grasp...

Chemo #2 was pretty uneventful. My port had locked up but with some medicine they were able to fix that without much effort. The good news is after one treatment my tumors had noticeably shrunk and my blood counts looked great. So much so my oncologist gave me a hug which seemed a little weird. But I will take good news any day!

So today I am feeling good just tired as is to be expected. And in case you are keeping track of the cupcakes yesterday I got 2 (a person who can buy just one cupcake is stronger than I...). I ate the Red Velvet Elvis (their famous red velvet with chunks of chocolate frosted with cream cheese frosting and red sprinkles. It was lovely.

Today I have the second to eat here at work the cinnamon sugar. Yummy!

TGIF

Well what we were hoping would be a nice relaxing week at the Proctor house has been anything but relaxing. It's only Friday and I am already finding myself with a pit in my stomach thinking about having chemo again on Monday. I really am not looking forward to another week of feeling like I did last time! But we are supposed to have beautiful fall weather here in Indiana this weekend and I am determined to enjoy it with some shopping to make sure the kids & Kyle are all set for food & baby needs for next week, some good food (while I still have an appetite), lots of football and possibly our annual trip to Anderson Orchard. I can already taste the fried biscuits and their homemade apple butter. I love picking our own apples and coming home with a big bag perfect for some of my apple pie, apple crisp and my new recipe to try this year homemade crockpot cinnamon applesauce...I love fall.

You never know...

So we have had an interesting few days at our house. I will spare you all the long version but Charley has what would be a normal cold on any other child but since she had RSV as a wee baby the cold turns out to be a big deal for her and the Proctor's now own a breathing treatment machine for one Miss Charley Marie...breathing issues on babies are not funny stuff. I spent yesterday watching her breathing patterns like a hawk.

You never know how you will react to things even when you prepare yourself. Last night was haircut night at our house. Truman needed to be buzzed again and so did I. My hair was coming out in pieces and I had heard from others that if you let it get to the point where it comes out in clumps it's pretty traumatic. Truman who during his previous haircuts hadn't made a sound proceeded to FREAK OUT. Crying, screaming & flailing. Then it's my turn...I had been playing out this moment in my head for weeks now thinking how I would respond and when the cutting started...nothing happened. I didn't cry. Didn't even have to try not to cry. I guess I was just resigned and ready. So after worrying and thinking about this moment for weeks it was here and gone. One more step in this process we are going through.

The bonus of having no hair to "fix" in the morning is you have time for other things. I actually put on make-up which I rarely wear to work. So today I am rocking the buzz cut & a hat. The worst part of not having hair is that I am no longer anonymous. People on the street, daycare, the grocery can all look at me and know that I am "sick". When I was pregnant I noticed how many people stare at pregnant women and now I make a very conscious effort to NOT do that. Or to smile if I happen to catch their eye, as if to tell them I too have been when you are waddling instead of walking and you can make it through this. Now I join another group that people will look at...I know they can't help it but I am already longing for that anonymity.

I also received an automated message telling me of my time for chemo coming up on Monday and that automated voice made me burst in to tears. I knew I had chemo that day but having it actually scheduled and knowing low horrible I felt for almost an entire week last time made me completely break down. I know it's killing the bad cells inside of me and I know I need it and I know I would go to as many as I needed to beat this but I don't want to feel that sick again. But thanks to Stacy I have a gift certificate to The Flying Cupcake and you can be sure for this chemo I will celebrate my last day of feeling like eating with some yummy flavor of cake & frosting.

I have been belching since 1967...

Kyle and I have been trying so hard to remember all the funny bits of life that are happening while in the midst of the rest of this nonsense. He keeps saying if we don't write them down we will forget and he's right. While waiting for what felt like an eternity in the waiting room before my first chemo there was an older woman with someone (who I am going to assume was her son) talking about her symptoms and after much discussion between them she announced that she had been "belching since 1967..." Kyle and I couldn't stop grinning at each other.

Yesterday was not a good day...today I will go out on a limb and say I feel better. Here's hoping I have made it through the first round and I will only feel better from now on (until the next chemo but I can't even think about that now!). If that's true I will have next week to hopefully feel a little more human and deal with this whole "my hair probably won't be here more than a few more days thing". That day is coming very fast but that is a post for another time.

This is what makes a person feel better...

Chemo #1

Well Friday was chemo number #1 of 8. That's one down. I have decided the new tradition is to have one cupcake for each chemo. I didn't think about this in time for Chemo #1 and afterwards Kyle and I ran errands to prepare for the weekend (diapers, formula, Gatorade...we are living the high life!) and then I was too tired to make the cupcake run back to Mass Ave. But next time I am going prepared!

So Kyle and I went off for my first appointment. Accessing my port for the first time was probably the worst part. The surgery was so recent that it was still very sore but they told me that will be better by next time. I was worried I would be bored but between having to pee every three minutes because they kept pumping me full of fluids (oh and the 3 cups of Banana Nut coffee from my Patachou breakfast before chemo...) and having my own TV to watch the time didn't go that slowly. Kyle was all into one of his new books and was loving having the time to read (when he wasn't ready to thrash the lady behind us who was screaming into her cell phone for most of her chemo treatment). He was even considering renting himself out to people who were at chemo alone so they could look like they came with a friend and he could continue to read. After a brief lunch debacle...let's just chalk it up to Kyle not being the worlds best listener and the hospital cafeteria being one of the most unhealthy places to eat in Indy short of the State Fair...we made it through a bag of fluids, a steroid, 2 kinds of chemo and then we were on our way home.

READ BOOK!

Yesterday morning I was sitting with Truman who was reading a Dora book before we all left for the day. I read somewhere that even though you might think kids his age aren't processing everything going on they really are so you should try and have small conversations about things when appropriate. So I was trying to tell him in 2 year old terms that mommy was going to be sleepy and sore when he got home after school and I wouldn't be able to pick him up and he looked at me, paused for a second and then shouted "READ BOOK!" Leave it to him to keep things in perspective...

So everything went great yesterday. The port is in and I am not in that much pain thanks to some nice drugs. Evidently I woke up in the recovery room and told everyone the Muzak they were playing was horrible (now to be fair it was horrible...I mean all muzak versions of You Light Up My Life, Carnival of Venice, you get the picture) Also our favorite crack up of the day came when the nurse came in and told me I would have to give another urine sample because mine was "stuck". What? Apparently they have a tube system at this hospital (think like a drive-through bank but a little bigger) and just as she sent my sample to the lab the system went down and my pee was stuck somewhere in the hospital tubing system.

So tomorrow I have my echo to make sure my heart is fine and then "chemo school". Then Friday is my first of 8 chemo treatments. I think I am dreading this day most. I know it won't be horrible but to me it feels like the beginning of a ride I am still not sure I want to be on.

Let's start at the very beginning...

Welcome my new blog. I have decided that this is the best way to keep everyone who loves me up to date on my journey while not going nuts from telling the same stories over and over again. Plus I know for me even before I had the official "You have breast cancer" phone call I was desperately searching for blogs from young women with cancer to gain knowledge and also know that I was not in this alone. If I can be that for the next young girl diagnosed then this blog has already served its purpose.

The title is from this song by The Weepies. This thing so far has felt a little like I am not moving and everything around me is moving about 10 times faster than normal. Plus it's true...I am going through this but at the same time life is constantly rushing by...my kids are growing like weeds, one sister just moved, the other is moving in the next month, we have lost family we love, I still work, laundry is still not doing itself, etc.

So here are the facts to get everyone all caught up. I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (3 lumps to be exact) with Lymph Node involvement (which basically means it is in my lymph nodes). I have already had a bone scan and MRI and there is no cancer anywhere else in my body (that was about the only good phone call we have received during this whole crazy 3 weeks.)

Next week we are kicking in to high gear. I am having a port implanted on Tuesday, Thursday is an echo to make sure my heart is strong enough to make it through chemo, and Friday is my first chemo session. Kyle and I were talking about how it's good that things are moving forward but I would be lying if I didn't say I was already dreading next week.